I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
