Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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