Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
