I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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