I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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