So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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