i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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