She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
