So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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