if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
