He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
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I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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