Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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