Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
