He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
