Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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