I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
