oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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