You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
