First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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