Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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