the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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