my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
