Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
