Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
