wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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