So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
