If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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