I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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