Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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