Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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