im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
