I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
