I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
