I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
