We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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