my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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