Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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