I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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