we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
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my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
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We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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