Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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