Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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