So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
