Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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