I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I will pee on everything he values.
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Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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