I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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