My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
