so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
