I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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