she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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