Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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