if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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