Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
my poor anus
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
