She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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