guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
