You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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