I puked a lego.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
