Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
