He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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You tried to poop in the sink last night.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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