I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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